turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
