Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
