OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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