when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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