saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
