I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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