watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
