she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You may now shotgun with the bride
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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