I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
