I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
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I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
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I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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