her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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