I want to walk on stilts...naked
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
