he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he was CRYING into my vagina
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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