Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
