The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Randomize
