I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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