Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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