can u get pink eye on your cock?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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