who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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