Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
