a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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