I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
