Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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