i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
