A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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