So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
