im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
