Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
