i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
