the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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