four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
