after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
