At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
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Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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