My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
