let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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