This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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