Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
