2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
