Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
