if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
