if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
wat bout pragnant strippers??
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
