I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
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We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
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I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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