I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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