what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She tied me up with her honor cords...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
