Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
