May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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