I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
