I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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