Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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