Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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