Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
