Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
