happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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