You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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