My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
