Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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