Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
